That line is from "FLINCH." A song from my first album GORGEOUS. The scream. The one I wrote before I could look in the mirror.
The song starts with a comment someone left on a mirror livestream: "Please consider a self-inflicted gunshot."
For as long as I can remember, since I was a kid, I didn’t want to be alive.
When you have lived in depression for years, it becomes your baseline. It is not even a feeling anymore. It is just the weather. You do not notice it until it lifts.
And then one day I looked back and I realized I had not wanted to disappear in a while.
But the memory of that wanting never fully leaves. It lives in my body. It lives in my cells. It lives in the way my shoulders brace when someone raises their voice. It lives in the way my jaw tightens when I am holding words back. It lives in the flinch.
When I got that comment, it did not make me want to die. It stirred the old feeling. It reminded me how I used to respond to conflict. By wanting to disappear. By wanting to erase myself so I would not have to feel the shame of being seen.
But I flinched. And flinching means I am still alive.
That is what the song is about. Not wanting to die in the present. Remembering a place I used to live and realizing I am not there anymore.
I never wanted to live. But I am glad I did.
I am still flinching. I am still rising. I am still healing in public.
I show the flinch so someone else can see it is possible to rise.
I just wanted to put the words out there.
Thank you for looking. Thank you for being here.
Crow is watching.
🐦⬛
Sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.
• Ceramic
• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter
• Dishwasher and microwave safe
That line is from "FLINCH." A song from my first album GORGEOUS. The scream. The one I wrote before I could look in the mirror.
The song starts with a comment someone left on a mirror livestream: "Please consider a self-inflicted gunshot."
For as long as I can remember, since I was a kid, I didn’t want to be alive.
When you have lived in depression for years, it becomes your baseline. It is not even a feeling anymore. It is just the weather. You do not notice it until it lifts.
And then one day I looked back and I realized I had not wanted to disappear in a while.
But the memory of that wanting never fully leaves. It lives in my body. It lives in my cells. It lives in the way my shoulders brace when someone raises their voice. It lives in the way my jaw tightens when I am holding words back. It lives in the flinch.
When I got that comment, it did not make me want to die. It stirred the old feeling. It reminded me how I used to respond to conflict. By wanting to disappear. By wanting to erase myself so I would not have to feel the shame of being seen.
But I flinched. And flinching means I am still alive.
That is what the song is about. Not wanting to die in the present. Remembering a place I used to live and realizing I am not there anymore.
I never wanted to live. But I am glad I did.
I am still flinching. I am still rising. I am still healing in public.
I show the flinch so someone else can see it is possible to rise.
I just wanted to put the words out there.
Thank you for looking. Thank you for being here.
Crow is watching.
🐦⬛
Sturdy and glossy with a vivid print that'll withstand the microwave and dishwasher.
• Ceramic
• 11 oz mug dimensions: 3.8″ (9.6 cm) in height, 3.2″ (8.2 cm) in diameter
• Dishwasher and microwave safe
