12. I Hit The Dog
I hit the dog. That broke me apart.
He could choke out my breath, he could fracture my heart.
But what sickened me most wasn't him, it was me—
something I swore I'd never be.
[VERSE 1]
I remember the closet—his grip on my throat,
Strangling my breath till my body went cold.
I blackout, I fade… I still cook that night,
Dinner in silence—survival disguised as polite.
I remember the suicide play on the floor,
Pills in his mouth like a prayer he can't afford.
I save him—force vomit, spit bile back black,
Life stains the carpet, his pulse still intact.
The dog watches shaking, his body all twitch,
He learned what I learned—affection can switch.
Silent recorder, rewinds in his eyes,
Etching the lesson—that love weaponized.
Next day the dog's head smacks my nose—SNAP!
Didn't think—my hand cracked his jaw like a trap.
Split-second surge, nerves lit, guilt in my grip,
And the second it landed, I struck him — I hit.
[PRE-CHORUS]
I've been choking on silence, it drills in my ear.
I become the thing I swore I'd never let near.
The echo in my fist haunts me right here.
And his eyes flash back the man I most fear.
[CHORUS]
I hit the dog—'cause I broke too late.
I hit the dog—there's no escape.
I hit the dog—and I'm not proud.
I hit the dog—say it out loud.
I hit the dog—and he still loves me.
I hit the dog—and I know I must leave.
I hit the dog—I saw the monster in me.
I hit the dog—now I have to leave.
[VERSE 2]
I never strike him again—but I still hear the sound,
My fist finding fur, guilt ricochets loud.
It scares me more than anything he ever does,
'Cause for a second I saw how abusers are spun.
They're forged in the silence, shaped under fear,
Programmed by power, the cycle appears.
And if I don't name it—if I just move on,
I'm one bad day from passing it on.
So I write it. Spill truth before it can rot,
Drag it to daylight, give the truth a spot.
I won't raise a child in a house built on pain,
I won't trade my body to God for his name.
Not my vow, not my leash, not my womb, not my role,
That's why I confess: I hit the dog to stay whole.
So I never forget what it costs to stay soft,
I carry the proof—I survived, and I stopped.
[CHORUS]
I hit the dog—'cause I broke too late.
I hit the dog—there's no escape.
I hit the dog—and I'm not proud.
I hit the dog—say it out loud.
I hit the dog—and he still loves me.
I hit the dog—and I know I must leave.
I hit the dog—I saw the monster in me.
I hit the dog—now I have to leave.
[BRIDGE]
That's the moment I break—it cuts deeper than fists,
Not the choke, not the scripture, not the threats in his lips.
Not the night I return to the closet of wire,
Dog strung by a leash, body hung to expire.
What wrecks me is softer—the part I can't shake,
That he licked my wrist after every mistake.
That he loved me through terror, through silence, through sin,
And I don't feel deserving of love through the ruin.
[CHORUS]
I hit the dog. I hit the dog.
I hit the dog. I hit the dog.
Not because of him—
Because of everything before him.
I hit the dog. I hit the dog.
I hit the dog. I hit the dog.
And I walk with that memory in my spine.
I hit the dog. The burden is mine.
[OUTRO]
I hold the shadow.
I become one for a second.
I hit the dog.
That's when I know:
I can't raise a child in this house.
I can't live inside a leash.
I can't go another day pretending.
I feel what power does—
and I don't want it.
