4. Before I Hated Them, I Hated Me
INTRO
Before I hated them, I hated me.
VERSE
The leash was real.
Mother tugged when I lagged.
I stumbled. She tugged again.
I learned to walk close.
The leash was the first thing I remember.
The second was her grip.
She’d grab me by my ear.
Pull me through the store.
One day she grabbed my shirt.
Called me fat.
Later she said, "I don't know where this hatred of your body came from."
I wanted to say: you.
But I just swallowed and stared at the floor.
PRE-CHORUS
She minds so well.
That's a good girl.
The spiral loves a quiet child.
I learned to disappear and smile.
(Good girl. Good girl. Good girl.)
CHORUS
Before I hated them, I hated me.
She hissed her lessons in my ear.
Dad didn't stop her.
He just looked away.
That's where the hate learned to stay.
Before I hated them, I hated me.
I apologized for existing.
(I hated me)
VERSE 2
Every birthday was a punchline.
How many times will she make the joke that I was supposed to be a boy?
She said, "I tried to give you back," everybody laughed.
I blew out the candles and wished I hadn't been born.
I wanted the dark to take me.
Her hands were always busy wrapping,
cooking, crafting.
"Look at all I gave you," she'd say.
I looked. I saw a bookshelf full of presents.
My heart was still hungry.
I felt guilty for wanting her eyes instead.
She worked so hard.
She wrapped so carefully.
But gifts don't hold you when you're on the floor.
Once, she rounded the corner fast and knocked me down.
I stayed on my back.
She didn't stop. Didn't offer a hand.
Just said over her shoulder: "Well, you were in the way."
PRE-CHORUS
She minds so well.
That's a good girl.
The spiral loves a quiet child.
I learned to disappear and smile.
(Good girl. Good girl. Good girl.)
CHORUS
Before I hated them, I hated me.
She hissed her lessons in my ear.
Dad didn't stop her. He just looked away.
That's where the hate learned to stay.
Before I hated them, I hated me.
I apologized for existing.
(I hated me)
BRIDGE
I starved myself quiet.
I binged myself out loud.
Others said: "You're so mature for your age."
It felt like a polite way to say I was dead in my head.
(Dead in my head. Dead in my head.)
CHORUS
Before I hated them, I hated me.
She hissed her lessons in my ear.
Dad didn't stop her. He just looked away.
That's where the hate learned to stay.
Before I hated them, I hated me.
I apologized for existing.
(I hated me)
OUTRO
I learned to hate me first.
But the hate got heavy.
And I'm getting tired of carrying it.
