19. PRETENDER (Sun)

Lyrics up. Blog coming. Check back soon.

Smiled so long my face forgot how to fall.
Pliable and praised — hollow either way.

The Sun Reversed

(Pretender)

[INTRO]

Crow tucks its wings:
"Pretending to be real is still pretending."

I read the room instead of myself.
Study their micro-expressions.
I never read the face in the mirror.
Pretender is me.

[VERSE 1]

If wanting me means losing you,
I stop wanting. I stop me.
Paint praise on my porcelain face.
Their "yes" is my permission.
Their "no" is my prison.
Pennies for peace — I sold it cheap.
Perfect imposter of my own existence.
Perform ease while my nervous system screams.
Disappointment is the moon.
I stay dark to keep them bright.
I'm dying to be liked by people who
probably aren't thinking about me.

Ghost says:
"I'm best when I'm not me."

Crow says:
"What do you know about you?"

[PRE-CHORUS]

Who am I without someone to read?
My desires wear their face —
I don't know mine at all.
Smiled so long my face forgot how to fall.
Pliable and praised — hollow either way.
Pushover. Prison. Self-punishment cell.
Polished for public. Alone is hell.

[CHORUS]

I replay my words like evidence,
looking for the crime of being me.
Predict, perform —
I trade myself for applause.
I only want what's wanted of me.

Pretender, Pretender —
performing being fine.
Pretender, Pretender —
dying inside.

[VERSE 2]

There's a heat in my chest I call tired.
I don't get angry.
I just get quiet.
Disappointed.
Done.

Ghost says:
"They clap for the puppet.
What happens when the strings drop?"

I monitor myself.
Am I being too much?
Too little?
Too loud?
Too quiet?
Too happy?
Too sad?

The mask kept me safe.
Safe and gone.
Depression is rage with nowhere to go.

Crow asks:
"Who are you when you're not performing for anyone?
What does your joy look like when no one's watching?"

[BRIDGE]

Crow asks:
"All that fire — you gave it away.
What if you kept some?"

The head that never rests
never trusts the flesh.
What if I studied me?
I let the thinking go.

Maybe they never asked me to disappear.
Maybe I just did it — year after year.
I blocked the sun so I wouldn't burn.
But I'm ready to shine now.

[PRE-CHORUS]

(repeat)

[CHORUS]

(repeat)

[OUTRO]

I gave them my best.
I got what was left.

Crow tucks a wing.
Thank the mask.
Take it off.
Pretender ghost goes.

I am the sun.
I shine now.

—

Lyrics are here. The full blog — about the ghost, the tarot, the body, the blessing — is still unfolding.
Check back another day. I'm still writing. You're still welcome here.

🐦‍⬛