4. COMMANDER (Emperor)
The Emperor Reversed
(Scroll past lyrics to read about the song)
[INTRO]
Ghost labeled happy as “showing off,”
so I praise the storm and hide the loss.
If pain’s a letter, then open me…
Let the ghost write what I couldn’t speak.
The joke about me being “a rock” hurts—
no one calls a rock for comfort.
I am the Commander.
[CHORUS]
Commander —
loosening grip.
The tighter I try,
the more I slip.
Commander —
Micromanage panic.
Habit is law —
and law is volcanic.
If I stay angry, I won’t get hurt.
Commander —
I do the job ’cause no one answers.
(Commander. Commander)
[VERSE 1]
They call me strong — I take the oath
strong just means I take the load.
I walk out the room, they burst with laughter,
listen close to what they whisper after.
Ghost hates to be laughed at —
The more I hold, the more I’m ghost.
People drop; I carry the load.
Try to hold my ground — my knees say “nope.”
Ghost always ready to tighten the rope.
Say “I’m okay” while my stomach frays.
Nails bitten bare, fog in my brain
They called me wild till I — l obeyed.
Overwork, isolate — Hide the ache.
Built ladders ’cause I’m afraid of ceilings.
Don’t trust the tremor of my own hand,
Count footsteps — left-right, stand.
Crow says:
“You held the rope so long —
you forgot you could let go.”
[PRE‑CHORUS]
Ghost locks my neck, dial turned too far.
Emperor of no, king of control.
Command is a shield. Love leaves scars.
Brow stays furrowed;
everyone says I look upset.
I don’t know why—
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?!
[CHORUS]
Commander —
loosening grip.
The tighter I try,
the more I slip.
Commander —
Micromanage panic.
Habit is law —
and law is volcanic.
If I stay angry, I won’t get hurt.
Commander —
I do the job ’cause no one answers.
(Commander. Commander)
[VERSE 2]
I never got to be the one who played,
Never held — just told to understand.
Never got to be soft.
Just learned how to get the job done.
Became the storm so they'd fall in line.
I hold the frame so they don’t fall.
I micromanage reality,
Because reality failed me.
They say I don’t listen, I just lecture—
Order is love when you live on despair.
They say I explain things they already know—
I’m just proving I care
in the only way I know.
I set the pace so no one sets my place.
People think I hate emotion.
I’m not cold; I’m composed.
Ghost says:
“Crying would prove they were right.”
— If they’re right, who am I without the fight?
Crow replies:
What if strength is not holding?
What if strength is release?
[PRE‑CHORUS]
Ghost locks my neck, dial turned too far.
Emperor of no, king of control.
Command is a shield. Love leaves scars.
Brow stays furrowed;
everyone says I look upset.
I don’t know why—
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?!
[CHORUS]
Commander —
loosening grip.
The tighter I try,
the more I slip.
Commander —
Micromanage panic.
Habit is law —
and law is volcanic.
If I stay angry, I won’t get hurt.
Commander —
I do the job ’cause no one answers.
(Commander. Commander)
[BRIDGE]
Ghost taught me strength was walls.
I’m learning peace needs trust —
I was never the fortress.
I am the ground.
I leave the walls unprotected.
Commander fades when I share my feelings.
I let the silence be the guard I needed.
[CHORUS]
Commander —
loosening grip.
The tighter I try,
the more I slip.
Commander —
Micromanage panic.
Habit is law —
and law is volcanic.
If I stay angry, I won’t get hurt.
Commander —
I do the job ’cause no one answers.
(Commander. Commander)
[OUTRO]
I was the emperor of no, the ruler of control.
My strength became burden
now I rest — let current determine.
No war remains behind this face.
I trust the hands that wait.
Commander goes quiet.
I stay.
The next ghost guards the gate.
(No war remains behind this face.)
Card & Ghost
Tarot Card: The Emperor (Reversed)
Thoth Name: The Emperor
My Ghost: Commander
Zodiac/Planet: Aries
Hebrew Letter: Tzaddi (צ) — hook, fishhook
Path: 15
What It Means Reversed:
Command without softness collapses into fear. I hold the frame so no one falls, but the frame is crushing me.
About the Song
People have always read my face wrong. “Resting bitch face,” they called it. “Sad eyes.” “You look like you hate me.” “You’re unapproachable.”
I wasn’t angry. I was just… holding. Trying to keep the world from flying apart. Trying to be the one who doesn’t crack.
I learned early that being soft meant being vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant getting hurt. So I built a face that didn’t give anything away. A posture that said I’ve got this. I called it strength. It was exhaustion.
This song is the moment I admit I was never the fortress. I was the one inside it, too scared to ask for the door to open.
What This Ghost Is
Commander is the ghost who mistakes control for care. She learned to hold everything together because no one else would. She became the strong one, the reliable one, the one who never cracks—until she cracks alone.
Her armor is her posture. Her discipline is her disguise. She micromanages reality because reality once failed her. If she can control it, it can’t hurt her. If she’s needed, she won’t be left.
A ghost is not someone who hurt us. It’s the self that flinched and stayed. A costume made from breath‑holding. A decision loop dressed in praise. Commander was never the tyrant—she was the child who became a wall so the house wouldn’t fall.
Where It Lives in the Body
Commander lives in my left shoulder blade—the one that’s always tight, the one that carried the weight I kept volunteering for. It seizes up when I’m trying to hold everything together. It aches when I finally let go.
She lives in my neck—the dial turned too far, always scanning, always braced. My nails used to be bitten bare. My brow stays furrowed, even when I’m not upset.
When I try to rest, my body salutes. The tension doesn’t leave. I count footsteps. I rehearse exits. My hands tremor when I finally let the mask drop.
She’s not in my head. She’s in my posture— locked in the position of someone who never learned to ask for help.
Tarot & Magick: The Emperor Reversed
In the Thoth tarot, The Emperor is Aries—fire, will, structure. Upright, he builds with clarity. He rules from the center, not from fear.
Reversed, the structure becomes a cage. The will becomes a whip. He mistakes control for love, order for safety. The Emperor reversed is the one who learned that softness was weakness—so he became stone.
Correspondences (from my study notes):
Hebrew letter: Tzaddi (צ) — hook, fishhook; what catches and holds
Planet: Mars — force, will, war
Element: Fire — heat, drive, consumption
Animal: Gorilla — immense strength, protective, but also gentle with its own
A note on the letter: Crowley famously swapped the attributions of The Emperor and The Star. In the traditional tarot, The Emperor was connected to the Hebrew letter Heh (window), and The Star to Tzaddi (fishhook). Crowley reversed them. He said “Tzaddi is not the Star,” meaning the letter Tzaddi belongs to The Emperor instead.
Why? I’m still learning, but what I’ve gathered is that Crowley wanted the path of The Emperor to carry the hook‑energy—the thing that catches, holds, and structures. The Emperor’s power isn’t a window you look through; it’s a hook that connects will to world. It’s the grip that builds, the frame that holds. That’s why Tzaddi fits him. The Star, then, gets Heh — the window, the breath, the opening.
In myth, The Emperor reversed is the tyrant who forgot he was once a child who needed to be held. Commander is that forgetting made flesh.
Why This Song Belongs Here
The first ghosts—Hesitator, Deflector, Escapist, Smotherer—taught me how I learned to disappear. Commander is where I learned to build walls instead.
After her, the Gatekeeper guards doctrine, the Split avoids choice, the Rider runs. But Commander is where I stopped asking for help. She’s the ghost who said if I hold it all, no one can hurt me.
This song is how I learn to let the walls down.
What This Song Is
This song does not praise strength. It shows what strength costs. It cracks the mask open. It names the exhaustion behind the posture.
It teaches that real power isn’t holding—it’s release.
What I Learned
Commander taught me that I don’t have to carry everything. That the people I love won’t leave if I rest (as ask for help). That my face was never cold—it was just tired of pretending I was okay when I wasn’t.
She protected me when I needed walls. Now she’s learning to let them fall.
How I Will Use This Card in My Own Readings
When I pull The Emperor reversed, I know Commander is active. She’s the one who thinks she has to hold everything together. Here’s how I work with her.
When I pull this card reversed…
Check where I’m over‑functioning. What am I carrying that isn’t mine? I ask myself: What would happen if I let this fall? That question usually loosens the grip.
Teachers who helped me understand this ghost
Pia Mellody: Hyper‑responsibility is a form of control disguised as care. Commander’s worth is tied to how much she carries.
John Bradshaw: The false self is built on performance. Commander performs strength so no one sees the fear underneath.
Gabor Maté: Suppressed grief and rage become physical tension. Commander’s body holds what her voice won’t speak.
Louise Hay: The shoulders and neck hold the weight of “I have to do it all.” Relaxation feels like failure until you learn it’s not.
Questions I ask myself when this card appears
What am I holding that I could set down?
Where am I confusing control with love?
What would it feel like to let someone else be the strong one?
A YHVH Spread Example
The YHVH spread is a four‑card layout I use when I want to look at a situation from four angles. Each position matches one of the four letters in the Hebrew name YHVH, and each also lines up with a court card, a suit, and an element. I never understood this until I started writing the album—it finally clicked when I could feel it in the songs. I’m still learning, so these notes are mostly for myself.
Here’s the simple map I keep in my journal:
1. Yod — King — Wands — Fire
The spark — where it begins
2. Heh — Queen — Cups — Water
The container — how I hold it
3. Vav — Prince — Swords — Air
The connection — how I move through it
4. Heh final — Princess — Pentacles — Earth
The manifestation — where it lands
If I pull Commander (The Emperor reversed) in this spread, here’s what it might look like:
Yod (King / Wands / Fire — the spark): The will to lead is there, but it’s tangled in fear. I start building before I know what I’m building for.
Heh (Queen / Cups / Water — the container): I hold the situation by becoming the container for everyone else’s chaos. I hold, but I don’t let myself be held.
Vav (Prince / Swords / Air — the connection): I show up through control. I set the pace, I manage the details, I keep everyone on track. The connection runs through what I do, not who I am.
Heh final (Princess / Pentacles / Earth — the manifestation): If I keep this up, I empty myself. The outcome is exhaustion—unless I learn to let the frame stand without me.
Blessing
May the walls you built let air in.
May the face you held so still learn to soften.
May the strength you carried so long become rest.
A little crow’s on the wire, keeping watch over you. 🐦⬛
—
A Note from My Study
I’m still learning. I don’t have this down. I’m still living in the gap, still trying to become more like the music I write. I write for myself—so I can study, so I can hear the direction I want to go.
I’m working from Aleister Crowley’s Thoth Tarot, the deck that became my study guide for this album. The correspondences (Hebrew letters, paths, planets) come from that tradition. These notes are just what I’ve gathered. If they help someone else, that’s a gift. If not, they’re just breadcrumbs from my own walk.
— Thank you for witnessing.
Loui Crow
