3. SMOTHERER (Empress)
Sneak peak the album as it’s being written. Some songs streaming, the rest wait until April.
Nausea under pressure, sweet cravings later,
Break my own body to be caretaker.
The Empress Reversed
[INTRO]
Ghost in my apron,
Plate to possess.
I mother another.
I cover, I tether—
I Smother, I Smother.
If I stop bending, will they still stay?
I’d rather break than be in the way.
Smother-er is me.
[CHORUS]
Ghost in the kitchen, I feed to thrive,
Smother-er.
If no one is hungry, I’m barely alive.
Smother-er
Don’t turn away,
I crack, I shake,
I only exist in the love I make.
(I Smother. I Smother.)
[VERSE 1]
Ghost hid my grief in a pie crust shell,
Served it warm so they couldn’t tell.
Give and give, it makes me happy
Mostly.
Cling to the role till it owns me.
Nausea under pressure,
sweet cravings later,
Cramps rattle my bones.
Break my own body to be caretaker.
I need to know every step,
every whim,
Drain myself dry just to anchor them in.
Hands start shaking when I reach too far,
Spill boiling water —
so they’ll see the scar.
I tell myself this is love,
But the grave I made is swallowing me.
Stitched my want into someone else’s skin,
Lost my shape where their breath begins.
Ghost says “Look at all I gave, look how I bled.”
But I lost myself instead.
Crow says: “Your hands shook —
because they were reaching for you.”
[PRE‑CHORUS]
Traded my dreams for a kitchen grave,
My silence for vertigo, my body enslaved.
Ghost scrubbed my voice in a bucket of bleach,
Hung it to dry where no one could reach.
[CHORUS]
Ghost in the kitchen, I feed to thrive,
Smother-er.
If no one is hungry, I’m barely alive.
Smother-er
Don’t turn away,
I crack, I shake,
I only exist in the love I make.
(I Smother. I Smother.)
[VERSE 2]
Bend myself low so they can succeed.
Hoard their hunger,
absorb their pains,
Helping’s devotion —
that leaves me in chains.
Cling through the night —
so they can’t see.
If they don’t need me,
who will I be?
Afraid of rejection if I show affection,
sweeten the silence,
then serve the infection.
I think it’s love,
but resentment curdles.
Ulcer reminds me—
I swallowed too late.
Maybe I think if I’m useful,
I’m lovable,
But every goodbye makes me gullible.
Ghost says:
“If I stop giving, their eyes might stray,”
So I bind them close in my quiet way.
Crow says:
“The binding was a leash.
You wore it.
That was fear dressed as care.”
[PRE‑CHORUS]
Traded my dreams for a kitchen grave,
My silence for vertigo, my body enslaved.
Ghost scrubbed my voice in a bucket of bleach,
Hung it to dry where no one could reach.
[CHORUS]
Ghost in the kitchen, I feed to thrive,
Smother-er.
If no one is hungry, I’m barely alive.
Smother-er
Don’t turn away,
I crack, I shake,
I only exist in the love I make.
(I Smother. I Smother.)
[BRIDGE]
Ghost, you taught me giving was control.
Now I’m learning to let the table clear.
I stop tending their hunger.
I tend my own.
I was the hand that fed.
Now my hands rest.
I fill myself up.
[CHORUS]
Ghost in the kitchen, I feed to thrive,
Smother-er.
If no one is hungry, I’m barely alive.
Smother-er
Don’t turn away,
I crack, I shake,
I only exist in the love I make.
(I Smother. I Smother.)
[OUTRO]
The Smother-er dies,
the ghost obeys.
Apron drops,
I stop serving.
I eat first.
(I eat first. I eat first. I eat first.)
Card & Ghost
Tarot Card: The Empress (Reversed)
Thoth Name: The Empress
My Ghost: Smotherer
Zodiac/Planet: Venus
Hebrew Letter: Daleth (ד) — door
Path: 14
What It Means Reversed:
Care becomes control. Love becomes ownership. I feed to keep, not to free. If no one is hungry, I’m barely alive.
About the Song
I wrote this song because I kept giving until there was nothing left of me. I’d fill their plates, track their moods, smooth every edge. I called it love. It was a leash.
I learned this in the kitchen. That’s where my family’s love lived—measured in servings, in silence, in the unspoken rule that you eat last, you ask for nothing, you prove your worth by how much you disappear. So I became the one who held the house together, who knew every step, every whim, every hunger before it was spoken. I drained myself dry to anchor them in.
But the giving curdled. Nausea under pressure, sweet cravings after I’d swallowed resentment. Cramps that rattled my bones. My hands shook when I reached too far—and I spilled boiling water so they’d see the scar.
This song is the apron dropping. It’s the moment I stop serving and finally eat first.
What This Ghost Is
Smotherer is the ghost who mistakes control for care. She feeds to keep, not to free. Her love is surveillance dressed as nurture. She needs to be needed—because if no one is hungry, she doesn’t exist.
She learned early that her worth was tied to usefulness. That being good meant erasing her own appetite. So she built a kitchen temple, a greenhouse with locked doors, a world where everyone depended on her and she resented them for it.
A ghost is not the abuser. It’s the self that flinched and stayed. A costume made from breath‑holding. A decision loop dressed in praise. Smotherer was never the wound—she was the shape I took to survive the fear of being unwanted.
Her ghost‑kisses sound like sacrifice: “Look at all I gave. Look how I bled.” But under the martyrdom is a girl who learned that if she stopped giving, she’d stop mattering.
Where It Lives in the Body
Smotherer lives in my stomach—nausea churning when pressure builds, ulcers that burn when I swallow another “I’ve got it.” She lives in my womb—cramps that rattle my bones, sacral energy hoarded instead of released.
My hands tingle when I reach to help on empty, the body’s warning: not now. My pelvis aches when I’ve carried everyone else’s weight. Sugar cravings spike after I’ve suppressed resentment, grief dressed as appetite.
I feel her in the kitchen—the weight of the apron, the heat of the stove, the clench of my gut when I hear “thank you” that sounds like permission to keep giving.
Louise Hay connects stomach issues to grief we can’t digest, uterine issues to unexpressed creativity and self‑worth tied to usefulness. Sarno would see the nausea and cramps as the body’s protest against over‑giving. I felt the truth before I read it: my body was keeping score of every yes that should have been no.
Tarot & Magick: The Empress Reversed
In the Thoth tarot, The Empress is Venus—fertility, abundance, nurture, the creative matrix. Upright, she gives from overflow. Her garden is lush, her door swings both ways.
Reversed, the giving becomes a cage. The greenhouse locks; the abundance chokes. Love turns to possession, care to control. The Empress reversed is the mother who devours what she creates.
Correspondences (from my study notes):
Hebrew letter: Daleth (ד) — door, threshold between worlds
Planet: Venus — love, value, relationship
Element: Earth — body, home, nourishment
Animal: Frog — amphibious, caught between giving and receiving
In myth, The Empress is Demeter, who searched the earth for her daughter and, in her grief, let the crops die. The reversed Empress is Demeter who cannot let go—who holds Persephone so tight she starves the world.
Smotherer is the door bolted from the inside. The love that won’t let anyone leave—including herself.
Why This Song Belongs Here
The Hesitator froze. Deflector pointed elsewhere. Escapist vanished. Smotherer is the fourth ghost: the one who stays by holding on so tight no one can leave.
After her, the Commander builds walls, the Gatekeeper guards doctrine, the Split avoids choice. But Smotherer is where care became a cage. She’s the one who taught me that giving without receiving is not generosity—it’s self‑erasure dressed as devotion.
This song is the first plate I set for myself.
What This Song Is
This song does not celebrate martyrdom. It cracks the pie crust open. It lets the nausea rise and the resentment speak. It shows the grave I dug with every “I’ve got it,” and then it climbs out.
It replaces the ledger of sacrifice with a single act: I eat first.
What I Learned
Smotherer taught me that love is not a transaction. That my worth is not measured in how much I disappear. That the stomach keeps score of every “yes” that should have been a “no.” She protected me once, when being needed was the only way to be safe. Now she’s ready to rest—and I’m ready to be full.
How I Use This Card in My Own Readings
When I pull The Empress reversed, I know Smotherer is active. She’s the one who gives to keep, who mistakes care for control. Here’s how I work with her.
When I pull this card reversed…
I check where I’m overgiving. Whose hunger am I trying to fill before my own? I ask myself: What would happen if I stopped carrying this? That question usually loosens the knot.
Teachers who helped me understand this ghost
Pia Mellody: Codependency is not loving too much—it’s having no self to bring to the relationship. Smotherer’s worth is outsourced to others’ needs.
John Bradshaw: The false self is built on sacrifice. Smotherer performs care to cover the shame of not being enough on her own.
Gabor Maté: Suppressed resentment becomes illness. Nausea, ulcers, cramps—the body’s protest against self‑betrayal.
Louise Hay: Stomach issues hold undigested grief. Uterine issues hold unexpressed creativity tied to self‑worth.
The frog: Amphibious, caught between water and land—between giving and receiving, never fully in either.
Questions I ask myself when this card appears
Where am I giving from emptiness instead of overflow?
Whose appetite am I trying to fill because I’m afraid they’ll leave?
What would it feel like to put my plate down first?
A YHVH spread example
The YHVH spread is a four‑card layout I use when I want to look at a situation from four angles. Each position matches one of the four letters in the Hebrew name YHVH, and each also lines up with a court card, a suit, and an element. I never understood this until I started writing the album—it finally clicked when I could feel it in the songs. I’m still learning, so these notes are mostly for myself.
Here’s the simple map I keep in my journal:
1. Yod — King — Wands — Fire
The spark — where it begins
2. Heh — Queen — Cups — Water
The container — how I hold it
3. Vav — Prince — Swords — Air
The connection — how I move through it
4. Heh final — Princess — Pentacles — Earth
The manifestation — where it lands
If I pull Smotherer (The Empress reversed) in this spread, here’s what it might look like:
Yod (King / Wands / Fire — the spark): The impulse to care is there, but it’s tangled in fear. I start giving before I’m asked, hoping to be needed.
Heh (Queen / Cups / Water — the container): I hold the relationship by becoming the container for everyone else’s needs. I hold, but I don’t let myself be held.
Vav (Prince / Swords / Air — the connection): I show up through service. I feed, I fix, I smooth. The connection runs through what I do, not who I am.
Heh final (Princess / Pentacles / Earth — the manifestation): If I keep this up, I empty myself. The outcome is exhaustion and resentment—unless I learn to take my own plate first.
Somatic / body note
Smotherer lives in my stomach—nausea when I swallow another “yes,” ulcers when I choke down resentment. She lives in my womb—cramps that rattle my bones, sacral energy hoarded instead of released. My hands tingle when I reach to help on empty. When I finally put my plate down, the knot loosens. The nausea settles. My body learns: I can eat first and still be loved.
Blessing
May you set your plate down first.
May you give from overflow, not emptiness.
May your love be a door, not a leash.
A little crow’s on the wire, keeping watch over you. 🐦⬛
—
A Note from My Study
I’m still learning. I don’t have this down. I’m still living in the gap, still trying to become more like the music I write. I write for myself—so I can study, so I can hear the direction I want to go.
I’m working from Aleister Crowley’s Thoth Tarot, the deck that became my study guide for this album. The correspondences (Hebrew letters, paths, planets) come from that tradition. These notes are just what I’ve gathered. If they help someone else, that’s a gift. If not, they’re just breadcrumbs from my own walk.
— Thank you for witnessing.
Loui Crow
